There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
