I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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