Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
