the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
