and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
