the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
