i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
