my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
