so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
