fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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