I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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