i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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