He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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