someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
