The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
