I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
you inspire me to be a worse person
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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