my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
