dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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