I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
