It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My vagina is officially offended.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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