I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
