The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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