I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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