Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
