I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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