My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
