Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dignity is for republicans.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
