ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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