Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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