We're facebook friends in real life
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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