Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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