I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
