Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
