I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
