I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
