please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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