So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
