Welp...herpes.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Dear god my vagina.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
