with your own penis?
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Randomize
