We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
