I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
