apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
