no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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