he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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