two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
