Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
