I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
