Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
