I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
