apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
