So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
